Kreepy Pasta

My name is Benjamin and this is my story. If you don’t believe it, that’s your prerogative. If you wonder how I remembered nearly every detail that happened…I have an extremely good memory, okay? Get off my back, will ya? Anywho…reader beware. You’re in for a scare.

One dark and stormy night, I was browsing the wares of an old antique store as I often did on Friday nights. Shuffling my feet to the tune of “A View To a Kill”, I continued shuffling through the old music albums. I found old, ancient stuff very interesting, which is probably why I spent so much time there. When I was about to move on to old silverware, I noticed one last album on the shelf that I had never seen before, even though I attempted to browse through every shelf, every weekend and day after school since as far back as I could remember.

I excitedly grabbed it off the shelf, but alas, it was covered with dust. It was overall a lot bigger than the other cd cases there. Taking a dangerously deep breath, I blew all the dust off of the album, took a closer look and gasped. Written in green, bumpy, slime-like letters were the words “Jooran Jooran.” Not able to resist moving my fingers over the lettering, I began looking over the rest of the cover. There was the image of a ferocious=looking werewolf with cold, dead eyes that weren’t focused on anything, not even on life itself. It was sitting on an old armchair while playing a…Super Nintendo?

 Perplexed, I examined it more closely. There was a small signature in the bottom, right corner that read “T. Jacobus.” And near the top, there was the album title- “Hungry like the Werewolf.” Something about this case gave me goosebumps. After a few moments of silence, a loud clap of thunder brought me out of my momentary lapse, causing me to drop it to the floor which resulted in a bump noise that echoed through the night. The floorboard creaked as I bent down to pick it up, when something stopped me in mid pick-up. The disc had fallen out of the case when I dropped it, but…it wasn’t a CD at all…it was a record!!?!

The thunder outside grew louder than ever as I shakily extended my arm like Michael Jordan in order to pick it up. As I got to my feet, I quickly looked back and forth from the record case to the record, itself. After doing this countless times, I came to the sickening realization- how could there be the image of a Super Nintendo on a record case, when records were obsolete years before the SNES was in development hell, let alone released? I decided to ask the guy in charge of the store about this conundrum. Though, I had somehow never seen him before, despite the insane amount I visited his shop.

And so, I walked through the halls that were filled to the brim with shelves and shelves of books that went all the way up to the ceiling. The downpour outside was deafeningly loud against the tin roof and the lights began to occasionally flicker. Shuddering up a storm, I finally got to the counter. There was a chair behind it that was faced in the opposite direction.

“Excuse me” I said. The chair didn’t turn.

“Pardon me” I tried again. The chair still didn’t turn.

“Pardscuse me” I persisted. The chair continued not to turn.

Annoyed, I slammed my hand on the desk and winced in pain as it made contact with a bell.

DING! The chair very slowly began turning…

He was turning so slowly that I rolled my eyes impatiently and began scanning the shelves behind the desk. There was a living creature that looked like a Furby, a smiling doll that was holding a knife, assorted jars of brains, a monkey’s paw, various beakers filled to the brim with green liquid, a cuddly-looking green witch toy with an eye missing and a rude flower pot. After what felt like at least five minutes, I jumped three feet in the air as the man in the chair was finally facing me.

“Yes?” asked the man.

“Oh, hi, Mr. Julius-

                “I AM NOT MR. JULIUS!” shouted the man, tearing the nametag off of his green vest and crushing it into a ball in his hand.  “I am THE SHOPKEEPER!”

                With a furious expression, he heaved the paper ball at the wastebasket that was a few meters away. Before I could check if he made the shot, he quickly yelled “Why have you summoned me, young Benjamin?!”

                Not wanting to be upstaged by The Shopkeeper’s demand for a name-change, I contorted my face with fury and smashed the bell with my fist, trying not to show the extreme pain it caused my hand.

                “I AM NOT BENJAMIN! I PREFER BENJY!” I screamed in honor.

                The Shopkeeper considered me. “Benjy it is, then” he replied, in a tone that showed a little more respect. “Now, what is it you want? A tale from The Shopkeeper? MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” he laughed in a screechy tone, with a maniacal expression on his shrivelled old face.

                “It’s this” I responded, as I placed the record case on the desk. “I found it in the tunage section today and I’ve never seen it there on any of my other very numerous visits.”

                I thought I saw a hint of fear flash in his eyes when he saw it, but he quickly put on the best poker face I had ever seen at that point in time. “It appears to be some old record.” He badly faked a yawn. “So?”

                “But here’s what doesn’t make any sense to me” I began. “Records were obsolete before Super Nintendo’s were made, yet this record cover shows a werewolf playing one. Pardon the slang, but...what gives?”

                The Shopkeeper sighed. “I’m sorry, but it will be impossible for me to help you”, he said sadly.

                “Why?” I demanded.

                “I don’t know what a Superior Neentendoo is.”

                I should have known. The Shopkeeper was clearly out of touch about such things. He was wearing a Call of Duty: Black Ops shirt, after all. But, I could have sworn he showed many signs of fear when he first laid eyes on it. I decided to test the waters of my curiosity.

                “Then you won’t mind if I play this record” I muttered, with a mischievous little smile.

                The Shopkeeper gasped for a split second, then played it off as an extreme coughing fit. “Oh no, that’s okay. Jooran Joora-…ahem, er, I mean to say, I hear that group is terrible. I prefer the oldies, so I’d rather that you not play it just now. In fact, I’ll play some right now!”

With that, he rolled his chair to the shelf behind him, crashing into it (which caused some flasks to shatter) and proceeded to more his hand between the evil looking doll and a jar with a brain in it and rolled back into the desk with a slam, with a cassette tape in his hand. He then put it in a tape player and a really fast rendition of “Flight of the Bumblebee” started, that was played by an organ.

“Just leave the record here and I’ll put it back where it came from. Good day to you” he said with an air of finality.

                I stood there, stretching my hamstrings and glaring at him closely, in case he made any sudden movements. After stretching my legs, jogging in place and taking a running stance, I asked what I needed to know- “Is there a record player around here?”

                “Yeah, there’s one in the attic with some other old junk. Why do you ask?” Then his smile slowly faded and his eyes widened with fear, but I was already gone. Well, I didn’t exactly see his eyes widen with fear. I just assume that that’s what happened. Anyway, as I raced along the rows of shelves, my mind was also racing. I knew I’d seen the string that hangs from the ceiling and sends down the ladder that leads to the attic before, but I couldn't remember where it was, for the life of me. I knew I was safe to take my time now though, as The Shopkeeper had no legs, so I slowed to a brisk walk. Eventually, I began hearing a slight whispering sound. I slowed to a less brisk pace and listened closely. As I glanced around for the source of the noise, I spotted the local librarian, sitting hunched over a table and holding a book. She had her finger against her lips and was glaring at me furiously while shushing me. Laughing unreasonably loudly to myself about why the someone would spend their Friday night at some dingy antique store, I proceeded on my quest to the attic.

                Very soon though, I began hearing the noise again. My head whirled to the left and I sighed a sigh of relief, as it was only the mustachioed store janitor, vacuuming the dust from the ghost decorations section with a Dyson Ball vacuum cleaner that sounded as if it had the appropriate levels of suction. I slapped myself across the face in annoyance for being so paranoid, screamed in pain and continued walking.

                A couple minutes later, I heard something yet again. I had had more than enough. “What is it this time? A librarian janitor shushing a vacuum cleaner?!” I muttered angrily.

The noise grew louder.

“A janitor librarian vacuuming a book?”

Louder still.

“A librarian vacuum cleaner reading to a janitor?”

It sounded very close now.

“A janitor named Shush vacuuming a librarian?”

I started drawing what that would look with a paper and pencil I had found on a shelf, while holding the record case in my mouth, when the noise seemed like it was almost right behind me. Rolling my eyes and turning around, I gasped.  The shopkeeper was on his chair, and was rolling towards me at full speed. I gasped as he did a loop de loop through a big Hot Wheels ramp. 

“GET THAT OUT OF YER MOUTH AS IT’S NOT SANITARY!” he shouted angrily.

“AAAAAUUUGH!!!” I screamed through gritted teeth. Without wasting another second, I took off as fast as my legs would carry me. Since I clearly couldn’t continue what I was drawing, I looked at what I had done so far and was so disgusted with it that I threw the paper behind me.

“OOWWWW, PAPER CUUUUT!!!” the Shopkeeper screamed at the top of his lungs. Constantly glancing over my shoulder as I ran, I saw him spin out on his wheeled office chair and go flying off of it. The chair rolled into the shelf beside him and the shelf, in turn, landed on The Shopkeeper, which resulted in a deafening crunching sound.

“YES!” I shouted triumphantly, and pranced majestically along the aisles. Pretty soon after, I finally spotted the string hanging from the roof. For some reason, it reminded me of a noose.

                Grinning like a school girl on prom night, I leaped up to grab it, but completely missed and landed on my stomach and face. Groaning like a vegetarian on meatloaf night, I realized the string was even shorter than a piece of dental floss. There was no way I could reach it.

                “I’VE GOT YOU NOW, BOY!”

                Zooming my head to the left so hard that my neck cracked, I noticed the Shopkeeper in the distance. The shelf that had toppled over was being held up at an angle by the librarian, and The Shopkeeper was behind it, on his chair and holding the janitor’s Vacuum cleaner.

                “Why are you helping him?” I shouted in a whiny, tiny voice to the custodian and librarian.

                “He showed us the picture you drew of us. Something like that belongs in the adult section, young man!”

                I spotted the janitor throwing up all over the floor, then mopping it up, throwing up, mopping it up, rinsing and repeating.

                “Now it is my victorious hour, turn it up Mr. Shushington, I need full power!” demanded the Shopkeeper, glaring at the queasy custodian.

                He shakily pressed a button on the vacuum with the mop handle and less than a second later, The Shopkeeper’s chair flew up the ramp/shelf that was being held up by the livid librarian, and he was sent flying through the air directly towards me. As I heard the shelf crush her underneath it, and one final “SSSHH!” I tried to think of what to do. I stared up at the string that I couldn’t reach and pondered…and pondered. Not much time was left…then the image of the janitor pressing the turbo button with his mop handle flashed into my mind.

                “BRAIN BLAST!” I shouted, triumphantly. Sprinting to all the shelves around me, I browsed faster than I’ve ever browsed before. There it was - just what I needed! A Zelda-brand hookshot toy…very carefully, I aimed it at the string and out it zoomed…but it wasn’t even close.

                “SHRAAAAP!” I yelled angrily. He was very close now. I started panicking and darted my eyes all over the place...until they landed on a treasure chest! Could it be?...I sprinted over to it, dramatically opened it, and…”YES! A LONGSHOT!”

                As fast as I could, I aimed it at the string and shot it. It was as if my own arm was reaching out to grab it; this time I really felt just like Michael Jordan. It grabbed hold of the string, I pulled, and the ladder shot down with a deafening thud. I began climbing as quick as I could. The Shopkeeper was still flying through the air, meters away from the ladder. I climbed like the dickens and he was almost there…

                “RETURN THE SLAB…I MEAN, RECORD!” he yelled, his arms outstretched.

                “NEVER!” I screeched, and sprinted/jumped into the attic. Missing me by almost nothing, he smashed into the ladder, sending it crashing to the ground. Looking down to see the damage, I couldn’t tell what was more broken, him or the step ladder. Shrugging, I closed the trapdoor and observed my surroundings.

My eyes were immediately drawn to a tattered old armchair in the very center of the room. There was a light on the ceiling, directly above it, that gave off an eerie greenish glow. The chair was facing a rectangular object with a blanket mysteriously covering it. The rest of the room had boxes lining the shelves and cobwebs all over the place. I took a deep breath and walked towards the rectangular mystery object. I grabbed the blanket and tossed it aside, which revealed an old T.V on a black cabinet. I tried to open the door of the cabinet, but it wouldn’t budge. I then took a couple steps backwards to sit on the armchair, sat down and screamed like a woman. I promptly jumped back up, spun around and gasped. There was a girl sitting calmly in the chair, eating a TV dinner of pasta. Her clothes were ancient-looking.

“Who are you?” I finally managed to ask.

She continued slurping up the noodles and stared at me blankly. There was something very creepy about this girl. I swallowed in fear just as she swallowed her last mouthful of pasta.

“I am Agnella” she said, with a slight Italian accent.

“The name’s Benjamin” I told her reluctantly.

Just as I was about to ask her what was up with the old fashioned clothes, she continued to speak.

“I've been trapped in this attic for hundreds of years” she sighed. “I have been cursed by the object in that cabinet.” Her voice echoed eerily and sounded very sad.

I looked at the cabinet and noticed a shiny golden key on the floor beside it that I didn't notice before. I picked it up.

“Since I am a ghost, I cannot pick up physical objects” she said. “I couldn't unlock that wretched door." Then, she quickly and abruptly turned to look at me, her eyes widening. “But YOU can!” she said excitedly.

“Wait a second…then how are you holding that TV dinner tray and fork?” I asked quizzically.

“Because these boxes of pasta sustain my life energy. Wanna to-a try some?” she asked.

“Heck yes, I’m STARVING!” I replied, even more excitedly than she had just sounded. I made to grab the fork from her, but it went right through my hand.

“Hey, what gives?” I demanded.

“The pasta and fork are from another dimension and cannot be wielded by a mere human” she said, smiling at the furious look on my face.

I took a swing at her, but my fist went right through her face. I tried to play it off by uncleanching my fist and pointing at her. “NEVER ask someone if they want to try inter-dimensional pasta if you don’t intend on delivering” I muttered through clenched teeth. I could tell she was enjoying this, so I angrily turned away from her.

“So, what happens if I unlock this here door? Does it send you back to wherever it is you came from?”

She didn't answer.

I moved closer to the cabinet and all of a sudden, I could hear the sound of bongo drums being played. I looked at the key and then at her, and she nodded. I gulped and moved closer to the door. The sounds grew louder and louder, until it was deafening. I put the key into the door, it swung open and the the noise stopped abruptly.

I looked in the door. There was a Super Nintendo, two controllers and a cartridge of Donkey Kong Country 2. I screamed…not in fear, but with glee.

“DKC2! I LOVE THIS GAME!” I yelled in excitement. I turned to look at her, but she looked more afraid than excited. I shrugged and turned the system on.

Nothing happened.

I checked to see if it was plugged in, but there were no wires at the back of the system. I sighed, and leaned against the back of the chair in defeat. After a few minutes of feeling sorry for myself and telling Agnella my life story, I noticed the record on the floor. I must have dropped it when I first saw the ghost girl. I picked it up, looked at the cover again and gasped. The armchair that the werewolf on the cover was sitting on while playing SNES, looked exactly like this very chair. I looked at the title of the album again…”Hungry like the Werewolf.” I said the name of the artist out loud.

“Jooran Jooran.”

And suddenly, the Super Nintendo and T.V were on and the game had started, making me jump in fear and for joy at the same time. I grabbed both controllers and tossed one to Agnella. I remembered that she wouldn’t be able to hold it as it flew towards her, but then to my surprise, she caught it with one hand. She moved to the left side of the big chair and waited. I walked as slow as a spider and sat down beside her. I didn’t know what scared me more - that I was sitting beside a ghost or that I was sitting beside a girl.

A shiver ran up my spine as I pressed the start button. There was only one save file. It was a two player team and was at Gloomy Gulch. As I was about to go to Ghostly Grove, Agnella spun her head around so fast, it looked like it spun all the way around her neck until she was facing me. Then she said two word I'll never forget - “Don’t die.”

“Relax, I’m pro at this game” I replied with confidence. I pressed the B button and got ready to play. I was Diddy Kong. I cartwheeled through the Neeks and jumped from ghost rope to ghost rope like a game master. By the time I got to the halfway barrel, I was so confident in my abilities that I announced “I’m going to play the rest of the level with my eyes closed.”

                “NO!” Agnella screamed, and a moment later, my heart sank as I heard Diddy Kong cry out “Ow!”

I opened my eyes and saw that I was killed by a Zinger.

“Well, you can’t win ‘em all, right?” I said with a shrug or two.

And then, without any warning whatsoever, the Zinger that killed me in the game flew out of the screen and zoomed right towards me. I sent the chair falling backwards and we fell to the floor. We quickly got up and spun our heads around, trying to locate the giant jungle bee. I could hear the “BZZZZzzzZZZZzzzZZZZ” sounds, but I couldn’t see it. And then, it zoomed at us from behind a stack of boxes, knocking them over in the process. I noticed that one of the boxes had a red X painted on it. The Zinger outstretched its stinger, with a determined look in its eyes, and I dived out of the way just in time. I quickly looked around to see if anything that fell out of the boxes could be used as a weapon and then it zoomed at me again. I quickly picked up a frying pan and smashed it as hard as I could. CLANG! It smashed through a window, shattering the glass. We waited, but it didn’t come back. Agnella rounded on me.

“I TOLD YOU NOT TO DIE!” she screamed in a ghostly rage.

                “Hey, I said I was a pro. I never said I was a master!” I screamed back, in a humanly rage.

                “Every time you get killed by an enemy, it will come out of the game and try to kill you in real life! And in order to undo the curse, we must beat Gloomy Gulch! That entire area of the game is cursed. That’s why the last to players got to the start of that area without any serious problems, before they had to quit!”

                “Who were the other players?” I asked.

                Agnella sighed. “It was me and another boy. His parents owned this shop, and we used to play games up here, sometimes. We got to Gloomy Gulch after a while. He got to the second last ghost rope in Ghostly Grove. And then he didn't quite make the jump…he was sucked through the chair and I never saw him again. I never even got to say goodbye…” She made a choking sound and turned away.

                “Is there a way to get him back?” I asked in a sympathetic voice that could have won me an Oscar.

                “I don’t know…let’s just keep playing and see what happens” she replied, rubbing the tears out of her eyes.

                We both sat back down and then I remembered something.

                “What about the Zinger? Did I kill it?”

                She shook her head. “No, it can only be killed by a barrel, rhino, or frog, just like in the game. You just hit it with a bloody frying pan. I expect it’s terrorizing the town as we speak. All the more reason to finish the game. I doubt anyone will be throwing barrels around here…too bad Dash O’ Pepper doesn't live in this town” she chuckled.

                “That reference is probably as ancient as this game is” I thought to myself as I scratched my head in confusion and picked up the controller.

                “Okay…my turn” she muttered as she re-entered Ghostly Grove. She was frozen in concentration as Dixie ponytail twirled through the remainder of the level. As Dixie was rocking out with her guitar, I crossed my arms in disgust.

“Show off” I muttered under my breath.

I reluctantly uncrossed my arms and entered Haunted Hall.

“It’s amazing how much this level resembles this shop” I remarked in wonder. I was feeling more and more freaked out about everything that was happening. Right before jumping onto the roller coaster kart, I remembered something.

“Oh wait, I suck at this level. Here, I’ll switch to you” I said quickly.

Agnella cringed as I pressed the select button and Dixie took Diddy’s spot.

“Jeez, I thought something crazy was going to happen...be careful with things like that!” she stammered. “Okay fine, I’ll beat the level myself.”

She then jumped onto the roller coaster and said “Keep talking, I play better when I’m having a conversation.

“I don’t know what to talk about” I replied with a shrug.

Agnella made an angry sound and then drove straight into an X barrel.

“Okay, okay, uh…so why couldn’t you keep playing by yourself, after that boy drowned into the chair?” I asked, finally.

“I took my turn, but I was so upset, I got killed by a Klomp. So then it jumped out of the screen and attacked me. Luckily, his peg leg really slowed him down, so I ran to the only barrel in this room, which was full of bananas. I tipped it over, he slipped on the bananas, and I threw the barrel at him. It smashed into pieces, just like in the game, and it killed him. Eventually, I mounted his head on the wall” she finished, motioning her head to the right.

I looked at the wall on the right, and sure enough, a Klomp’s head was mounted there. I shuddered and sidled further away from her on the chair.

“I’ve been trapped up here for a long time, what can I say?” She jumped into the checkpoint barrel and continued. “But anyway, it was then his turn and my hands went right through his controller, so I couldn’t pick it up. By the time I tried to eat the bananas, I couldn’t pick them up either. I eventually found the freezer, microwave and pasta, which is all I could physically touch. I think it’s because I tried to pick up the Player 1 controller, because I could grab objects before that happened-

She was immediately interrupted by Kackle’s laugh, loudly echoing through the room. On the wall behind the TV, words started showing up, in red, smeared letters.

NO TALKING IN MY HALLS. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT.

I tried giving Agnella crap for making me talk to her, but my lips felt like they were sealed shut. I couldn’t move them. Then the writing continued.

GO SEE MR. X. HE WILL DECIDE YOUR PUNISHMENT.

Then the words faded. I tried to speak again, but my lips were stuck together. It looked like Agnella was having the same problem. I looked at the screen and closed my eyes as she made the last jump. Then I sighed through my nose in relief as she made it, and jumped onto the end of level target. When Dixie was finished her guitar solo, my lips were immediately unsealed.

“Who is Mr. X?” I asked, breathing heavily.

“I don’t know” she answered, doing the same.

“I know all the characters in the Krem Krew and he definitely isn't one of them” I said fearfully. I picked up the record case. There was no mention of him on the front or back of it.

“Something similar happened when my friend sank through the floor” said Agnella. “Kloak’s laugh had echoed throughout the room, and the writing on the wall had said “In the attic, you must wait until you have the chance to change your fate."

I shuddered. “This isn’t fun anymore. I’m such a fan of this game that I was willing to risk death in order to play it for a while, but this is just gettin’ too freaky for me. I’m out of here.”

And with that, I hopped off the chair and ran to the trapdoor. I tried to open it, but it wouldn’t budge. “Well, that settles that” I said briskly, as I got back onto the chair. “Say, I’m getting pretty hungry. Think I could have one of those bananas?”

“They’re past rotten now” she answered.

My heart skipped a beat. “Uh, how about some pasta?”

“I don’t think you’d be able to eat it. Also…that was the last box.”

“AAAUAUAUAUGGHHH!!!!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “WE’RE GONNA STARVE UP HERE! WE’RE SO TOTALLY DEAD! WELCOME TO DEAD HOUSE - POPULATION: US!” I added dramatically.

Agnella slapped me across the face as hard as she could. “RELAX! If we finish the game, it will all go way. Including your hunger. Now it’s your turn, alright?!”

“Wait…” I said, rubbing my cheek. “How were you able to hit me?”

“I expect the ghosts let me” she answered, impatiently. “Now hurry up and let’s get this over with!”

Cursing the paranormal under my breath, I entered Gusty Glade. “Oh, I’m good at this one” I said with confidence.

“Really? I always thought it was one of the hardest” Agnella replied in surprise.

“Yeah, well, I’m just that good” I remarked with swagger.

And then, right when the wind began to blow in the game, a burst of wind knocked me back against the chair. The sound of boxes falling to the ground echoed around us. The only things in the room that were unaffected by the wind, were the cabinet, TV, Super Nintendo and armchair. I continued to move forward through the level, when the wind started blowing in the opposite direction, and I wasn’t held against the back of the chair for the moment.

“Okay, we’re unaffected by it for now because the chair is shielding us…but if the wind blows from the left or right, we’ll be thrown off for sure. Which will more than likely result in you falling off the edge.” Her voice got more panicky by the end. “Okay, pause it and I’ll go find a rope!”

She jumped off the chair and ducked just as a crate flew right over her head.

“It won’t pause!” I yelled.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!” she cried.

I tried to race through the level as fast as I could before the wind in the room changed directions. Soon after though, it blasted from the left and I put the controller in my mouth and grabbed onto the side of the chair. Holding on with all my might, I glanced at the TV and Diddy was slowly being pushed to the right as well. I tried to yell at Agnella to hurry up, but it sounded more like “HRHYAUPHF!”

                Well, it looked like the end. I couldn’t hold on to the arm of the chair much longer and Diddy was almost off the edge. I hoped I wouldn’t end up in some evil underworld when I sank through the floor. Hopefully, it would be some kind of Funderworld. Just as my fingers had to let go, Agnella grabbed my hands and pulled me back to the side of the chair.

                “Just hold on a little longer!” she cried over the wind. Then, she attached a bunch of duct tape to the bottom and back of the chair, lifted me up and plopped me down on it.

                “YES!” she yelled in victory as she pumped her fist into the air, right before getting blasted off the chair.

                Now, I was free to beat the level at any pace I wanted to, I thought to myself as I heard Agnella screaming in the distance. So I took my time, as this was one of the hardest levels in the game.

                I was right near the end, when the wind started blasting from the right and I saw Agnella fly across the room again. Then I heard a familiar “OH!” noise from the right. My heart sank as I looked in the direction of the sound. The mounted Klomp head was flying right towards me, shouting a loud, haunting “OOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!”

                I screamed, jumped to the end of level target in the game, and was smashed clear off the chair. I landed in a pile of boxes full of thumbtacks and the Klomp head flew out the already shattered window.

                Preparing to sink into a pile of thumbtacks, I braced myself. But, nothing happened. There was no more wind, so I got up and ran to the screen, brushing the tacks off my arse.

                “YES!” I cried in happiness. Dixie was on the map, standing on Parrot Chute Panic, which meant I made the jump and beat the level.

                “YO, AGNELLADRIAAAAN!” I screamed, hysterically.

                “Ugghghhh…” I heard from the left. I ran in the direction of the noise, and there she was, flat against the wall with darts holding her old fashioned clothes there. I pulled the darts out, causing her to fall to the floor with a painful sounding thud. I picked her up, ran to the chair and dropped her.

                “Okay…..your…….turn…..” I wheezed, as carrying her while running was more difficult than I thought it would be.

                “Can’t I have a minute to relax?” she asked shakily, looking very disoriented.

                “N-O. NO” I persisted. “We’re almost there; we can’t stop now. Press…B. Oh, yea.”

                “Er…okay” she said, uneasily. The moment she pressed the B button, all the color in the room turned yellow-orange. Agnella didn’t even seem to notice, and made a clumsy jump to the right, completely missing the DK Coin.

                I made a “pfffft” sound and then she landed on Squawks. The chair immediately felt like it was floating downwards. I looked over the side and we were floating down into nothingness. There was no floor in sight, just the yellow-orange color. The cabinet, TV and Super Nintendo were floating downwards as well, at the same speed. I noticed Zingers on the TV. Squawks was about to land on them.

                “FOLLOW THE BANANAS!” I shouted at Agnella, whose expression looked dazed. She turned right just in time, and the couch and TV moved to the right at the exact same time. I looked up and sure enough, there was a Zinger, floating there. She then followed the banana trail to the left and passed another Zinger. There was another loud “BZZZZzzzZZZZzzzZZZ” as we passed the same Zinger in real life, just like the last one.

                I looked at Agnella and groaned. Her eyes were narrowed as if she was about to pass out. Too proud to scold myself for forcing her to play, I just sat there terrified. The couch and TV had stopped in midair when the first Squawks dropped the chimps. But now, she was jumping onto the next parrot, so we began floating down again. Next thing I knew, she just missed a Zinger in the game, and a real one went through the side of the couch right beside me, sending stuffing falling into my lap.

                “EARTH TO AGNELLA! WE’RE GONNA DIE IF YOU DON’T SNAP OUT OF IT!” I yelled while shaking her like crazy. It had no effect, she still looked as if she was going to pass out at any moment. I covered my eyes and rested my head on what was left of the arm of the chair beside me because I couldn't bring myself to look. I suddenly grew very tired. All I could hear was the melodic buzzing sounds of the Zingers as I drifted off to sleep.

                                                           *                          *                          *      

                I awoke in total darkness. Before I could even wonder what the heck was going on, an evil voice rang in my head.

                MR. X WILL SEE YOU NOW.

                I started running. Where I was going, I don’t know. I just ran and ran and didn't stop. Eventually, a giant, ghostly crocodile head zoomed at me from the distance, at near lightning speed, but just before it could get to me, the floor gave way and I fell…

                “AAAUAUGH!!!” I screamed as I jolted awake. We were still in the yellow-orange place. Agnella was sound asleep and Dixie was standing safely in a patch of honey and blowing bubble gum. Before I could open my mouth, she jolted awake.

                “Mr. X?” I asked and she nodded in terror.

                “Okay, let’s get through this as fast as possible so that doesn't happen again” I said, shuddering.

                “I’m with you” she replied. She made Dixie walk to the right and amazingly, the end of level target was right there. We high-fived so hard it was painful as Dixie played her guitar.

                “Well, I’m not sure how you did that. You were completely out of it!” I said in a relieved voice.

                “Oh well, on to Web Woods!” she said shrugging.

                Without me pressing the button, Diddy automatically entered Web Woods. “Uh…okay?” I said uncertainly. “Well, at least nothing surreal is happening. Other than the level starting by itself, that is.”

                “Look at the walls…” Agnella sighed.

                The spider webs decorating all four of the walls were seemingly knitting themselves into more webs- very quickly. Eventually, they were definitely going to get to us.

                “Okay, I gotta beat this level- where’s my controller?!” I asked in panic.

                “The wire's not in the socket!” Agnella groaned. “What did you do with it?!”

                “I must have been holding it when the wind blew me off the chair! We gotta go find it!”

                We both tried to get off the chair, but neither of us could get up.

                “Spider webs?!” I asked fearfully.

                “No…duct tape” Agnella replied in annoyance. “Why’d you put me here before taking off the tape?!”

                The webs were getting closer and closer. “That’s the thanks I get for carrying you, is it?” I asked in honor. Ignoring her furious expression, I tried to get up with all my might. “IS THIS TAPE HAUNTED!?”

                “No, duct tape is just really good tape” she replied matter-of-factly.

                “One of us is gonna have to get out of our pants and get the controller” I concluded. “FINE, I’ll do it” I groaned as she looked extremely annoyed.

                I jumped out of my jeans, ran across the floor, slipped on something and fell into the boxes of tacks again. “AUAUGUAUGH!!!” I shouted in pain. I got up and sure enough, the thing I tripped on was the controller. I grabbed it and ran back to the chair, painfully brushing the tacks off from all over me. And I mean ALL over me.

                I jumped back into my jeans, zipped them up and started racing through the level as fast as I could. When I got to Squitter and started making web platforms to jump on, Agnella groaned.

                “Every time you make a web, the webs on the walls grow faster.”

                “Wow, you should win a Webster for that observation” I responded in annoyance.

                “That made…absolutely no sense” she replied.

                I was grinding my teeth in concentration as I made my way through the level. At one point, I got hit by a Mini-Necky and it flew through the screen. But, it flew right into the webs that were getting very close, indeed. By the time I finished the level, they were less than a meter away from us on every side. When Diddy was rapping with his boom box, the webs burst into flames and disappeared.

                “Well, that was freakin’ terrifying. How are you feeling, Agnella?” I asked, glancing at her. “You look as white as a ghost!”

                “That’s because I have a phobia of spiders. And I kind of AM a ghost, you block-head!”

                “Okay, it’s time for Kreepy Krow. After that, the curse should be broken! WOOOOOO!” I shouted in hysterics.

                This greatly improved Agnella’s mood. “Yeah, you’re right! Let me at ‘em…it’s time to settle this once and for all” she said in determination. “But, get ready, because if what has happened so far is any indication, this might get crazy.”

                “I was born ready” I said confidently. Let’s kick some Kreepy Krow carcass."

                Agnella entered the level. She expertly dodged the Mini-Neckies and hit Krow with a barrel. She climbed up the hooks and rigging and did it again. When Krow had one hit left, I had the sudden feeling I was being watched. I looked behind the chair and nearly soiled myself. The Mini-Necky that had been trapped in the webs was a complete skeleton. The fire must have burnt off its flesh. It was just hovering there, expressionless. And then it abruptly dived towards Agnella’s controller and snatched it out of her hands. She grabbed the chord and pulled it back towards her. When it was close enough, I grabbed the skeleton vulture, put it on the floor and stomped on it with both my feet. It crumbled to pieces.

                “Sheez…thank goodness that counted as jumping on it because I’m still taped to the chair” I panted.

                “I was THIS close to getting hit, when that bloody bird snatched my controller” she said in relief.

                Dixie picked up the last barrel and throw it at Kreepy Krow, causing it to explode.

                “We did it…” she said. We looked at each other.

                “Now what?” I asked.

                And then, the room grew darker. We fearfully watched the screen and this is what happened. A big, grey crocodile, with burning red eyes, wearing a black pirate hat and suit with medals on it appeared on the screen, where Krow had been. He had hooks for hands and no lower body…he was just floating there in mid-air. And then the television, cabinet and SNES disappeared and he replaced them. Then the Haunted Hall music  started loudly playing backwards throughout the room.

                “MY NAME IS MR. X. YOU KILLED MY BIRD. PREPARE TO DIE.”

                He then pointed his right arm at us and started twisting his left hook. We both tried to get up, but were still stuck to the chair.

                “We need to move! What are you waiting for, cut the tape!” Agnella managed to cry out.

                “I can’t!” I screamed.

                “You didn’t grab scissors or a knife or anything when you got up!? How stupid are you?!” she yelled, glaring at me in anger and fear at the same time.

                As Mr. X continued to silently twist his hook, I got an idea. I quickly felt all around my body and sure enough - there was a single thumbtack still stuck to my rear end. I pulled it off me and cut the tape off of the chair. We dived off of it right before his hook shot where we had been. The chair disappeared in a wisp of smoke. I grabbed Agnella’s hand and we sprinted to the trapdoor that led to the lower layer of the shop.

                “Ugh, I can’t believe it, it’s still locked!” Agnella muttered angrily. My mind raced through every clue I’ve heard throughout the entire night. “

                “I need to find a record player” I said at last and ran towards the boxes and random items that were strewn across the entire floor. As I searched, I could see Agnella being attacked.

                “MY NAME IS MR. X. YOU KILLED MY BIRD. PREPARE TO DIE.”

                I couldn't help but think she was standing on the trapdoor on purpose when he attacked. She jumped away just in time when he swung his sword and struck the trapdoor, causing it to fall to the bottom lair. I didn't know if her plan was for him to fall through or just to get it open for her, but at any rate, he didn't fall through because he could float and all. His sword had gotten stuck in the door and fell through with it, so he was now unarmed other than his detachable claw. I frantically searched the entire room. Finally, my eyes rested upon a box with a red X on it.

                “X marks the spot, doesn’t it?” I exclaimed in wonder and I ran toward it. I quickly opened it and sure enough, an old record player was the only thing in the box. It looked just like the one Cranky had in the intro of the first DKC. Now, I just had to play the record. My heart sank. The record...it must have blown away during the Gusty Glade fiasco. There’s no way I’d be able to find it on time. I looked for Agnella. She was backed against a wall, with Mr. X advancing on her.

 I had no other choice. I picked up the record player and was about to start searching when the record case rose from a corner of the room and flew right towards me. The record slid out of the case and landed on the player, on it's own accord. I held it tight and ran to Mr. X.

“Hey, ghosty boy” I spat. He turned to face me, right when he was about to mutilate Agnella.

“MY NAME IS MR. X. YOU KILLED MY BIRD. PREPARE TO DIE.”

                He shot his hook hand at me, but just then-

I played the record.

The backwards Haunted Hall music that had been echoing throughout the room abruptly stopped and “Hungry like the Werewolf” by Jooran Jooran began. It was the theme of the first DKC, played backwards with occasional vocals of Grant Kirkhope and Jon Jafari singing the DK Rap. I covered my ears in pain. The hook exploded when it was inches away from me. Mr. X screamed in agony.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!” he roared, before disappearing into a cloud of smoke and little stars.

                Agnella ran over to me and hugged me.

                “The curse must be broken” she said, smiling happily and proudly. The ghosts let me hit you, but they never would have let me hug you.”

                “FREEZE.”

                I let her go and gasped in horror. Where Mr. X had been, there was now a floating Xbox One.

                Agnella groaned.

                “Mr. X…is an Xbox…” I said slowly.

                “I should have known…” said Agnella.

                “It is only a matter of time before I harvest the souls of all mankind” the floating Xbox stated, matter-of-factly. “There curse of the red ring has greatly brought down our numbers, but our spirits eventually find and possess older, better systems. I am the ruler of all Xbox’s. The only One that cannot be destroyed by normal means.”

                It let out a cold, humorless laugh.

                “You’ll never get away with this” I replied furiously.

                “And who’s going to stop me? This conversation is an unproductive time-waster. Time is money.” The red ring grew more intense.

“Any last words?”

                I tried to think of a way out, but my mind was completely blank. The only thing that came to mind were the words Jooran Jooran.

                “Jooran Jooran” I said, my eyebrows narrowed.

                “Heung?” asked the Xbox.

                “Jooran Jooran” I repeated, and then the red ring shot out a red laser. Agnella ran in front of me to protect me, but the laser stopped inches from our faces and blasted back into the Xbox. It promptly exploded into a million pieces. It was truly a glorious moment.

                Agnella and I embraced each other. “Let’s…go home” I said with a smile.

                We walked to where the trapdoor used to be and hopped down to the bottom floor.

                “Hello?” came a muffled voice from under a pile of shelves and broken ladder pieces. Agnella started lifting them up, but they were too heavy for her alone.

                “Help me!” she pleaded to me.

“Maybe we should leave him there, Agnella. It’s the Shopkeeper, and I don’t think he’ll be happy that we’ve broken the curse…”

                “Please!” she added desperately.

                I shrugged and helped her lift the shelves off of him. I gasped. He looked like he was around mine and Agnella's age. He got up, brushed himself off and gasped, clutching his heart when he saw her.

                “…Agnella?” he whispered.

                “Christopher!” she yelled enthusiastically and ran over to him, hugging him.

                “Hallowhat?” I asked, very confused.

                “He was the boy that played the game with me all those years ago…” Agnella told me, happily.

                “Who?”

                “The one that sank through the floor!” she replied impatiently.

                “OHHHH!!!” I said, finally.

                “I tried to go back up to you, but I couldn’t!” said Christopher.

                “Because of the curse?” asked Agnella.

                “No, because the rope was too short to reach!” he said sadly. “But, I wasn’t able to leave this shop…and that WAS because of the curse. Trapped in here for sixty years…why is it that I've aged and you didn’t?” he demanded with more than a hint of jealousy.

                “Agnella just lucky I guess” responded Agnella.

                Wonderful, another reference from Agnella that I didn’t understand.

                “Oh well, at least you’re young again, now!” she added.

                “Converse sneakers, a tie-dye shirt, overalls with a clasp undone and butterfly clips…I forgot all about the styles back then” said Chris, taking in Agnella’s appearance, fondly.

                “Let’s get out of this dump” said Agnella.

                We agreed and made our way to the door. But just before we got there, the librarian jumped in front of it.

                “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that.”

                “Aw, come on…pleaaase?” I asked.

                The Librarian disappeared in a puff of smoke and turned into Kackle.

                “Uh Oh” said Agnella.

                Just then, the mustachioed janitor, holding the vacuum ran over to us.

                Agnella and Christopher ran through the door while Kackle was distracted, but I called to them “No guys, wait! I’ve never seen anyone look more like Luigi! He’ll defeat the ghost for us!”

I turned to him. “You are Luigi…aren’t you?”

And then he became a puff of smoke and Kloak appeared in his place. Kackle and Kloak both approached me with their arms outstretched and everything faded to black.

                That is my story. I’m being held prisoner in this haunted antique store by two ghosts that are forcing me to write terrible teen romance/horror novels that have paranormal creatures, with an old typewriter, while they keep all the cash for themselves. I managed to write this little by little, overtime. If you’re reading this, please help m-

                YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE READ THAT.

                                                                                -Sincerely, Kackle